my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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