Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize
