Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
