So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
