remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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