and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
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