rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
