I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
