he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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