she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
