I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
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