after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
