they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
