I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
