just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
