I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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