i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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