guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
