I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
