dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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