Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I have feelings that need drinking.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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