I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
