Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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