I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
