the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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