Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
