I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
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