Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
