Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
