so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
