i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
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