I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
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