I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
