did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
