My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Randomize
