are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
