Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
