2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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