I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
