I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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