Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
