Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
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i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
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Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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