I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
