Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
