So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
