Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
