Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
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