i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
