He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
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