I'm lost and stupid without you.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
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We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
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That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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