Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
