People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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