I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
The air was thick with penises
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
