I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
