My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
