I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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