haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
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