the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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