dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
