quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
