Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
