she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
